http://kosolapaya.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] kosolapaya.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] stepan 2008-08-20 05:32 am (UTC)

(1) "I will speak without..."
(3) "a bit more then usual." or " a bit more then I usually do"
(5) "to meet the moon rise" is a bit strange. I would just leave "to see sunset and then the moon rising" or something along those lines.
(6) "an eye on"
(7) "to do my business" is yet again strange. "to do my chores" or "to finish my business", maybe?
(10) I don't think that "all the world" is appropriate. "and would affect the world"? Or better yet, just stop after the material dreams.:)

plus what your dad said.:)

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